Retaliation! Do-it-yourself telephone hold music.

I just heard that once when Spike Milligan was put on hold for a really long time, when he finally got someone on the other end he sang Danny Boy to them.

Maybe this should be made policy. Just imagine if everyone in the world did that after they were put on hold for a long time there could be a revolution...

(special thanks to BA for this one)

Prime time for pearls

Another rule that seems to be primarily broken by people living on the other side of the Yarra River...


Smitk wrote to me this morning having just seen a girl of about 19 wearing pearl earrings, a strand of pearls, several pearl bracelets, and a perky pink bow atop her scruffy blonde locks. (wearing shorts and a sloppy shirt, I may add…) She looked like she was about to be launched into society by her matronly Brighton mother.

The rule is: girls and women under the age of 30 should not wear pearls during the day, and preferably not wear them at all. This is the age for handcrafted sterling silver with semi-precious stones and ethnic themes.

Lycra in the office

Oh this is so important - many thanks to Smitk for bringing it up:

If you MUST ride your bicycle to work wearing lycra instead of ordinary clothes, then please change as soon as you arrive.

Trust me on this one - no woman in her right mind wants to have to look at a man strutting proudly about the office for hours with his wedding tackle on display. The only wedding tackle a woman finds even remotely attractive is that belonging to the man she shares a bed with.

(Curiously, this lycra obsession seems to be pretty much exclusive to people living on the south side of the Yarra River. I don't see many people wearing lycra gear at all riding their way to work from Brunswick...)

Trams Trains and Elevators

Let everyone who is getting off the tram, train or elevator actually get off before attempting to embark.

If you are trying to get off a tram, train or lift and people are getting on without waiting for you - then you can try elbowing them a little bit as you pass. They don't seem to like that very much. Too bad, the rude bastards.

Mobile phones and public toilets

For goodness sake - DON'T EVER talk on your mobile phone when you are in a public toilet cubicle!

If you go into a public toilet and discover someone on the phone - you have my full permission to sing "On the Toilet, On the Toilet" at the top of your voice whilst enthusiastically flushing away in the adjacent cubicle.

Rules for doing the Age Quiz

• For one point questions you get one guess.
• For two point questions you get two guesses. If one of them is right then you get two points.
• For three point questions you get three guesses (unless it is multiple choice with three choices – then you can only choose two of them). If one of them is right then you get three points.
• If you guess the answer correctly before the asker has finished asking the question then you get an extra point.
• If you get the answer wrong but the answer you gave starts with the same letter as the correct answer then you get half a point.
• If the answer is a full name (ie: Mikhail Kalashnikov) and you only remember the first or the second name then you get full points.
• If you get the answer wrong but everyone thinks that your answer is hilarious, then you get a point.
• All answers are agreed on by consensus - you are doing this quiz as a team! Having said that - if someone has suggested the correct answer but everyone else has disagreed and written down an incorrect answer - then you still get full points.

The Nine to Nine Rule

Simple really. Mum taught me this one:

Never call a person you don't know very well before 9am or after 9pm.